Friday, October 12, 2018

Arthur and Mingi is done!


At 18:53 today, my little film clip Arthur and Mingi is done with its post-production. I can organize a viewing for my friends next week now.

The entire July Project is now completed. It took almost 3 months to realize this personal fun project.

Mbu and I again talked today, he took my notebook which he apologized. That was nice.

I hope The Yard first cut can arrive soon.

Yesterday that passionate and egotistical performance on the stage made me sick! I can’t believe I did it again. So typical!! Suning Chen, you are never gonna change…

I think I’m gonna go to that fucking Open Day tomorrow. Just to have fun. Cause I got nothing to do at home anyway.

Monday, October 8, 2018

The Beginning of the End

The first day at school. I am quite happy today.

Everything worked pretty well. Not only Daniel gave me back the color graded version of Arthur and Mingi, he also showed some interest in the Starseekers poster.

Dr. Smit is starting her final term as well here in AFDA. I guess a lot of changes are gonna occur next year, and a lot of people leaving, including me.

Today the phone video I took already showed some nostalgia and sentiment. Zani was even counting the days: 7 weeks and 4 days. 😁

Everything is going according plan.

It will be a wonderful final term.


Sunday, September 30, 2018

Wrap for The Yard - 7 Years and 9 Months into the Self Realization Journey

The Yard was officially wrapped on 17:05, September 30, 2018.

It was perfect. There is no strings attached.

That picture of joy from me and my crew immediately the moment we wrap up will forever stay in my memory.

I bought myself sometime again.

Everything is going according to plan.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Several beautiful moments for today's filming

I didn't believe Mbulelo would say such beautiful things to me.

He said "his respect for me grows each day of the filming". In direct contrast of what I think of him of telling me ego thing.

Gambel was quite charming and innocent and she talks to me asking me how I was doing, that was a closest encounter between me and her. But again, she then also talks to every one of our crew. which I mean was just a curiosity as a teenager. I guess.

By the way, her hair was even redder than Sundance's.

I lost the opportunity to sit in Lauren's car tonight. She offered me a seat but was quickly taken by Morgan.

But again, it wouldn't be the way I wanted with Lauren.

So, smile.


Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Tomorrow is the filming.

We start filming tomorrow.

Haven't we been waiting for this moment our whole year?

Something is again left unsaid with the team today.

This team doesn't have trust. I was trying to change that.

It's again full moon tonight. And this full moon is exceptionally bright and round.

This indicates good things.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Spring Equinox

Nothing special about spring equinox. But indeed today marks the beginning of the furious filming phase.

Today's rehearsal.. again my thinking process is so different from others.... they can't understand me, and I can't convince them.

A sense of humiliation is again felt. The actual filming may make me feel more. 

But let's hope not.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Countdown Starts

Its Sept 1 today, your final countdown in SA is now started.

Your final task is at hand.

3 and a half months to go.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The Dinner Tonight Was Lovely

I had the first time dinner with friends together in Yi Pin.

It was wonderful.

Jennifer and Dylan could get along well actually.

He and Nina are still friends, I am glad.

I wish the same vibe could get me thru till the day I leave South Africa.

Will I cry because I made friends here in SA? Even thou these friends were never supposed to be in the Starseeker Universe?

Because they were not planned? I really Jennifer thou, she seems to be a person I feel comfortable with.

Will u cry? Suning?

Will u tell all your SA friends your secret before you leave here, Suning?

Do they deserve to know?

It's another full moon tonight.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Lauren was looking into my eyes

I felt so romantic today. Lauren, that little and sweet Lauren from first year was looking into my eyes today while I passed her in the corridor.

The first time I crossed her path we said hello to each other.

The second time I crossed her path she was lying on the floor looking at me.

And I passed by her but I looked back and she was also looking back at me!!

Oh God, I just so wish she could be my girlfriend. She is so cute and lovely.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

A new cellphone

Today is pretty good.

Uber is functioning again. Cause i got a new cellphone. Nokia 3.

Can't believe for the last 4 months in SA, i will have to use another phone.

Nokia Lumia 1020 didn't make it this far.

I hope Nokia 3 won't have battery draining issue. Nikili said its 2018/8/18 today so...

Yesterday, my PC mark was confirmed to be 78. Surprising, I thought I was gonna get 50.

This is a pivotal victory to the end of the year.

Graduation in sight

I started listening to "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus again. The song that kept me going in NZ. I think I needed this right now as my final directing task is underway.

I can't wait to complete my mission here in SA.

I just hope this day can arrive sooner.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Melissa's Praise

Jeez, Ms. Evans praised me about my script today, I was so happy!

This is my best script in AFDA to-date.

The moment she passed by me, I knew it was so real!

I got 75% which was unexpected. It was a very decent mark for a second draft.

I am hoping to get 80% for my final draft. And that will be enough for a proper production in China.

Everything is going according to plan. If what Dr. Smit casually chatted to me about today was true "it's a nice essay." then I would pass PC this term and will pave the road for the final term for me.

Graduation will then be in sight. :)

So she is like me... Ms. Evans... she has problem with her father as well.

Is she Misato? Dude why am I fantasizing about this...

Did I fall in love with her?

And Jason and I finished the final cut today! Yeah---- dude it was so hard on Jason, I owe him a big one!

Maybe I saw her smile

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Oh dude - Joel is a good friend

Oh dude it was pretty beautiful yesterday.

Joel complimented me with The Garden I was so thrilled. After a month's wait of Sundance's message, No one can justify life by linking their happiest moments into a rosary. In particular, I cannot.

Oh dude, but i am so anxious, i have so much things to do next week. The Yard and Arthur and Mingi.

Joel is a good friend. Maybe I should let him be the producer of the entire Starseeker Institution franchise.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

I am connected to South Africa now.

At approximately 9:40 today, after I got back from the Laundry Shop, a guy with a sports car passing by yelled "Suning" to me.

Damn, so people know me now, in SA.

I am connected to SA now. Similar feeling I had with NZ however, still far from it.

Friday, July 20, 2018

It's a pretty good day.

Today is Friday.

My doctor confirmed that I do not have bladder infection which was a relief, considering I'm a hypochondriac.

Yis and Jason approached me randomly today while I was listening to sad music alone on the grass, what a friendship. "Are you my friend?" πŸ˜‚

Jess seems to feel pretty comfortable with me being the director. Jeez, what's happening to Mbu?

I really like Jessica's script because it talks about loss and grief just like The Garden, in a different way.

It can be a very moving piece, if I can pull of the same emotional weight that I did with The Garden.

Jeez, I'm getting free directing all the time!! If I got finally titled as the director of The Yard, it would be such an insidious win!

Monday, July 9, 2018

The Film is Done - 7 Years 6 Months and 9 Days into the Self Realization Journey

At 10:20 today, I am relieved.

At 12:40 today, the film is live on YouTube.

At 12:43 today, the film is announced on Facebook to my friends.

The journey is finally and irreversibly completed.

Today is July 9th, Monday, two weeks' unnecessary anxiety finally came to an end.

Melissa has been a helper in this.

How many people will watch this on YouTube doesn't even matter to me anymore.

I must change myself to not being traumatized by this sort of thing.

Where do I go from here? I guess: finish this year.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

It's a lovely night.

Tonight is a lovely night.

Because tonight Melissa texted me saying he was thinking about the copy of my film. So that made me feel relieved. She also said she is fully recovered from her recurring sickness. And she is so insanely excited about new term. I was so funny to hear that from her. God I loved it when she is happy and joyful. In essence, it was a very joyful conversation back-and-forth within one hour just before I eat at Simply Asia. :) I think next time I just need to tap into her most eager time of WhatsApping.

Tonight is a lovely night.

Because even thou my parents call went off topic. That fucking bathtub made me feel guilt again, even after 30. But I gradually felt better as evening falls. Ambition thou, the closest word I could find to the Chinese word "抱负", rang a bell to my heart today.

Tonight is a lovely night.

Because a very young cute white girl served my dinner. But she was ordinary thou, and I don't go for ordinary girls.

Texted David on his white shoes for filming next week which was quite calm.

Tonight is a lovely night.

Because yesterday we finished an awesome day of rehearsing and storyboarding at 15:37 with Jason smiley face walking outta the door.

Tonight is a lovely night.

Because all the Uber drivers were pretty calm.

Tonight is a lovely night.

As I am writing this passage right now, I feel peaceful. Melissa's message made me realize that nothing can't be overcome by my awesome extraordinariness since pointed out by Sundance almost 5 years ago. I now have absolute confidence that my year will end peacefully and beautifully.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

That Skydiving Video

June 27th today. I watched my first skydiving video in its entirety for the first time.

And at 19:18 tonight, I started work on my Graduation Film.


Sunday, June 24, 2018

I am 30 now.

So I just had my 30th birthday. Alone. By myself. Again. Typical.

But this time I don't feel that lonely anymore.

Maybe something in me has changed.

I just changed my 8-year-old Facebook profile picture. That was epic!! But even that, still no one notices it. I guess whatever I do from now on no one would notice me about anything.

There is not much to say. Really. Today is also quite normal. I write. I text. I watch. I masturbate. I sleep. And I wait.

I've been waiting all my life. And I've been searching all my life as well.

Dylan was right. I have this conflicting thing in me: I worry about what other people would think of me but I also want to do things my own way.

What a conundrum.

Now the most important thing: I thought I would achieve enlightenment when I reach thirty just like Buddha did.

But I didn't.

You didn't put into any hard work you lazy bastard!!

I guess I didn't have to care about these thoughts anymore.

I am me.




Friday, June 22, 2018

Tomorrow is my 30th Birthday

Tomorrow will be my thirtieth birthday.

God.... 30... what have I learned for the past 30 years?

I guess I am pretty proud of my past 30 years. It's just I don't "think" I am proud of.

It's the problem of mind and heart, isn't it?!

I've been playing various roles for the past 30 years: victim, narcissist, egotistical bastard, celebrity, philanthropist, evil-doer, an innocent youth, sentimentalist, romantic... and most essential of all, a Starseeker.

The moment I drop this title "Starseeker" will be the moment I find the truth.

But I can't right now.

It is believed that Buddha achieved enlightenment at the age of 30. 

I, for Christ's sake, are far from it, and may never will be, in this life πŸ˜†.

I can't drop the title "Starseeker" right now. I just can't. It has some use.

According to the Journey, I was supposed to go back to NZ two years after I leave. But right now, it has been 8 years and what?!

I am nothing. 

Oh, yes! And I don't have a girlfriend.






Thursday, June 21, 2018

I feel...

I feel I am making progress...

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday, and everything, I started to let go pretty well.

Although being alone doesn't bother me, although I have always been alone... it would be nice to have a friend at the end of the world.

Saturday, June 16, 2018

The Experimental Festival - 7 Years 5 Months and 16 Days into the Self Discovery Journey

This is it. I can probably die now.

If I go back to China now, it is fully permissible now.

My major work in South Africa is done.

The Garden was very well received by the audience.

No more stressful work till the end of the year now. I am happy now.

I have bought myself sometime for the Starseeker Universe. The schedule again has been pushed forward.

This will do for now.


Monday, June 4, 2018

Wesley's Words

The feedback from Wesley on Arthur and Mingi was quite positive.

He said I am very good at creating mood and atmosphere. He said I have OCD everyday that forces me to think in my head all the time, and writing for film is probably the only way through which I can "feel".

This is good.

And I got my watch back today!

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

No stressful study nights anymore.

Wow, this is so good. I just discovered for the rest of this term there will be no more stressful study nights. Making me less anxious. Actually a lot less anxious. πŸ˜€

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

This Fucking Mental Masturbation!

This fucking mental masturbation!! I am so sick of myself!!

I was supposed to be happy today because Mr. Wilby praised me for my film.

Yes i was happy for like, 20 mins. Then a little incident, which is fine, then after the class, it all go down hill because i couldn't finish my debate with Mr. Wilby as well as the class on how to arrange this Thursday assignment due date thing.

Then this fucking afternoon i felt so bad, and i lied in bed for like 40 mins to mentally masturbate over what the cause was.

My worst fear always come true. Cant be sustained.

These guys fucking didnt act themselves!! (Dylan, Liyema, MyMan, Mbu). I was expecting them to discuss about this but they were staring at their computer and doing fucking group docs (which was fucking due this morning!), which made me feel like i was the only one pathetically and needy to talk about Thursday assignment with Mr. Wilby.

Oh yeah, then I got jealous of Liyema's film because his film was also praised.

I was so fucking narcissistic about myself!!

So I had to come back home and mentally masturbate the same scenario over and over again. (Damn I feel exhausted and dizzy). Trying to figure out why I felt this way...

Then I listened to Awaking Hearts... which is therapeutic..but only after a successful mental masturbation is conducted.

And that Fishaway shop assistant wasnt helpful.

Damn when is Nicole gonna contact me?...

Sunday, May 13, 2018

I keep digesting

I keep rewinding Nicole's messages on WhatsApp over and over again.

Because it sounds so comforting to a broken young man like me.

Nicole is so charming. But she has a girlfriend I feel so sad that i have to restrain my feelings towards her. 

I just loved her voice so much she said i could pop into her home next week which made me feel so good. No female has ever pro-actively asked me before. 

Dylan's party last night was also good. I had a good time. If it wasnt that Uber driver I could ve gotten more high. Well ironically his name was also Dylan.

Adam and I are friends now. Dylan and I have become, maybe, close friends.

I made some connection last night which was important.

I feel so looking forward to this meeting with Nicole next week I just feel good near her.

I am anxious and depressed, she is mature, happy, joyful, compassionate, which is just what I need. But I dont want to be too needy in front of her thou. I want to further develop our friendship.

God, she is the one of the only two people i gave my Chinese knot to, the other one is Erin.

I still miss Erin, after i talked to Taylor and Adam last night, i discovered that she is a reserved and conservative person who doesnt have many friends, maybe as weired as me.

God so why can't we be together?!

"This film is dedicated to Erin." God I practice line almost every day.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

My qualities in filmmaking

So according to a nicest conversation with Mr. Wilby, I have the following good qualities:

Poetic: I seem to see the universe in a very poetic way so much so as a "romantic". My films usually involve a sense of wonder and poetic epicness.


I still have these qualities...

The Most Peaceful Night - 7 Years 4 Months and 3 Days into the Self Realization Journey

Damn, I actually realized tonight is the most peaceful night since the start of this year. And in between the ended chaotic days and the busy days to follow...

Let me enjoy tonight.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Even Sundance

Even Sundance doesn't care to reply my messages anymore.

She must think i am so needy, and the first thing I talked to her about after 10 months was moaning and whining.

No one cares about me anymore, I have no reason to live.

Everyone thinks i am pathetic that waits for people's sympathy.

Everyday i am at AFDA i sit there in the corner watching people being happy and talking and I myself listening to those sad music...

I dont even want to use the word humiliation anymore to describe what happens today at the Picture Lock viewing.

No one agrees with me on the energy shield, not even the teachers.

The opening of this term was disastrous. Even thou i thought i could relax for not making films for a term. I guess for the next 6 months while i am at AFDA it ll just be suffering.

God Sundance, how can this be, she s my best friend. Whats wrong with that message i sent?

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Erin is gone - 7 Years 4 Months into the Self Realization Journey

Erin is gone.

We kinda dumped each other.

I didn't think she has the apparent feelings for me so it was better for me to end it.

I because I kept suffering since the start of this encounter.

That I couldn't feel her passion. Loneliness and uneasy. Makes me feel dizzy and wanna vomit.

So it was appropriate to end this.

God it was less than a month since I first saw her in the restaurant.

Well, for Suning Starseeker, no relationship was sustained long.

We were not even in a relationship, I don't think we were even friends, God, so pathetic.

What the fuck were you doing, Starseeker?

I just hope her diabetes doesn't affect her too much.

I don't know how she felt about today (except she said I was getting on her nerve) but I wish her well.

God, I thought I could go to movies with her, like the last time she agreed.... Well, I mean its over now, so Starseeker focus on your study.

I kinda feel relieved.

For what its worth, for what its worth...

Saturday, April 28, 2018

I am so pathetic

Nicole is having an anniversary celebration with her girlfriend tonight. and I am like a humiliated loser to ask for her sympathy.

I am such a loser and no one likes me. I may just die.

I am pathetic. I was a fool to have a crush on Nicole.

I am worse than a cockroach. Sorry no offense to cockroaches...

Nicole will never talk to me anymore, she maybe already sick of me..

She said I could chat to her whenever.... I was just deluding myself. That was just a flash of happiness. Non-lasting.

I am such a humiliated and pathetic loser.

The world can go on without me.

Sadness and loneliness has filled the entire Starseeker Universe.

The world is about to end.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

I felt really close to Nicole today

I talked to her about very emotional stuff. Like loneliness and stuff.

I know she has a girlfriend. But I cant help fantasizing about what could ve happened if she did not have one.

It is easy for me to talk to a girl like that. A girl that is enthusiastic and passionate about conversations. Which she is. She is passionate, compassionate and interesting, and ambitious.

While Erin is sweet and innocent and dont know.... if only she can be more enthusiastic...

I just cant figure out what excites her.

I think 2018 is gonna end with i figuring out the relationship with these two girls.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Nolwazi is excited

Nolwazi is exceptionally happy today. After hearing about the progress of our film.

I just hope I didn't raise her expectations.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

She is the Girl----7 Years 3 Months and 22 Days into the Journey

I came to a conclusion today that Erin is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Erin said I was energetic

I suddenly recalled Erin said I was energetic.

So I still didn't lose that...

Am I still Suning Starseeker?

Good.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

I masturbated today

I havent masturbated ever since I saw Erin two weeks ago.

I thought I could break the record.

It is still a sort of accomplishment. I thought I could last longer.

Friday, April 20, 2018

I ve been praised today

I have been praised today for our film.

The teachers complimented on the First Cut viewing.

Why do I not feel happy at the end of the day?

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I don't care how many days have passed

Erin is the girl I like.

I really like her. We had a nice conversation on Tuesday. At the News Cafe.

The only thing that worries me is that she talks about music and movies that I haven't heard of and vice versa.

But the good thing is that we have the potential to connect emotionally.

I keep thinking about her smile all the time.

Maybe I should text her tomorrow.

Yesterday I woke up so scared. I guess I was worried only about myself. Cause why would I link myself to the fact that she has Type 1 Diabetes.

I don't want to see her suffer. It's kinda sad, she now has a lot of things she can't eat.

But I will be there for her. I want to stay with her for the rest of my life.

My film is going well. I just hope not to see bad surprises during the first cut viewing on Friday.

I told Yonelisa and Kim about how I felt about Erin today. I saw someone on her FB calling her "a beautiful human being".

That's precisely what I would describe her. Like what I did on the First Day.

A Beautiful Girl.


Friday, April 6, 2018

I Found A Girl.

I met a girl today.

She is so sweet and innocent. She wears this green t-shirt with cartoon characters on it and casual jeans and canvas shoes. A typical youth, I like that. The restaurant I and David went to was called Something Good.

Something Wonderful came out of it.

I can feel she is emotional. I can tell she could be as weired as me. I can tell she is creative.

She has blue eyes that looks kind and sweet. Wonderful eyes.

Will she be the girl I m looking for? I don't know.

I like her.

This is the first girl that I ever asked out with since I came to South Africa more than two years ago.

She said she was at the third year of study in NMMU, which works pretty well with me. Because I don't want to date someone who is too young.

The unexpected thing was she didn't reject me!

I like her.

This is 7 Years 3 Months and 6 Days into the Spiritual Enlightenment Journey.

I like her.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Ansie left

So today my landlady Ansie, officially moved to a rest house with all her elderly friends.

It was good for her.

So tonight I am all alone. I dont mind being a lone. I am alone anyway.

Those young people are having a party right next door. This loneliness makes me feel special I guess.

Those fucking freaks have party almost every day. No twice a week I guess.

Filming is going steady. I discovered a nice shot today with David. which is great. David is a good guy to work with, even thou his mind is full of interesting ideas, he would always respect my original idea in the end.

Johnny is still nowhere to be found. I guess the next time we see him would be the day we film.

I dont even know if he was really involved in a car accident. I still dont think he s lying thou.

I should thank Ansie for thinking about letting me stay until the end of the year.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Today the acting run thru

Today was quite good. We made some progress in performance with the actors.

I was quite surprised by Shaye's performance. I believe she can really pull it off.

Sad, I never get the chance to fully tell her that I was impressed by her performance.

Does she like me? Why is it that every time I wanna say thank you to her, she always not smile?

Sive is making an effort as well, although not obvious but she will get there.

That laugh i had during the rehearsal today (she holds the lily flower to Sive and delivers the clichΓ©d line😏) was the one i had in months. and the first time i laughed in directing in the past 10 years. 

I could almost feel the same cathartic feeling i had when i was shooting random videos with my friends when i was 13 years old.

That is the only reason i want to direct movies, but that feeling seems never coming back now...

Maybe i should let the group know how i felt today how i appreciate they are on board rather than confronting the actors by myself..

Monday, March 26, 2018

Introspection

Suning: It has to be the end now. I don't want any more of this.

Suning: The past two days has been killing me. This unhealthy practice can't go on like this.

Suning: I have already confronted Nolwazi, I don't have any more energy, so let this be the end.

Guanyin Bodhisattva: Let this be the end then.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Thursday, March 8, 2018

March 9, Mom's birthday

It is so sad... and its March now getting colder this morning....drizzling....

I have low confidence in myself, so does my crew members...

This film is getting stuck.

I don't know what I m gonna do... can someone please help me...?!

Mariana, in the deepest trench on earth.... my Eve

Monday, March 5, 2018

This is my film!

A sense of responsibility came thru to me today. Feeling invigorated. I got to make this film happen beautifully. I can't depend on my producers to organize events anymore. I have to be proactive.

So I m gonna stop any procrastination, like sleeping in the afternoon.

Otherwise this film may well end up like any other AFDA films i directed.

This is the only way.

And Kim.


Thursday, February 15, 2018

Saturday, February 3, 2018

New Year - 7 Years 1 Month and 4 Days into the Self Realization Journey

It's another fucking year.

The Earth just rotates, and it keeps fucking rotates. It never fucking stop.

...

I didn't wanna to do anything.

I may might as well lay down here with no one hears me.

So sad...

I don't like it... I hate it...

It's another year... I just wanna finish this year as fast as possible.

I m so fed up with these bullshit.

It goes on and on and on and on... never stops never can i see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so sad...

It is time for you to appear now, Sarah.