I can't sleep right now, it is 10:33 pm here in South Africa. I am laying in my bed can't sleep.
I felt this urge to write whatever is in my head right now.
The words of Sadhguru still resonates in my head, he said "the awakening is the most important event in one's life, whatever things you do and whatever achievement you have accomplished in this life, they are nothing compared to the magnitude of the spiritual awakening, and it must happen to every human being, for it must be the life time goal of everyone, otherwise one's life will be a waste."
I am 29 years old now, hitting the 30 mark is of utter importance to me. I don't know what to do right now, I can't sleep, his words just keeps me awake, can I talk to someone? Sundance, perhaps? or Sandy? I don't know. But there is just this urge to.... I don't know what.... just this urge in my heart that won't let me rest.
I wish I could achieve enlightenment just right now!!
I wish I could have a true friend right now, and just be so kind to her, and love her so fully.
This feeling I have right now, it may be good in nature.
Am I frustrated at this very moment? That awakening has not happened yet? But Sadhguru's words are so fascinating, he said it "must happen to every human being"!! "One's life would be a waste if it didn't happen."
I have very mixed emotion right now. But maybe it's utter joy!!!
I would go to school regularly, doesn't matter even in my holiday, feels no utter difference, i do small bits and pieces, trying to fill my day, even when I at home, its still boring thou, so no difference.
I dont complete magnificent stuff, just small ones, i feel fine going to school folding paper cranes.
I want to go out places. I want to go to the movies with somebody, or a restaurant. I would feel awkward going alone, I feel eating alone at a table alone, people will look at me and think that I am a loser or there is something wrong with me. And seeing a movie alone? I have nobody to tell about the movie, I would feel embarrassed going as I feel that if somebody saw me walking in alone they would make fun of me to their friends they are in a group with.
I had a awesome day today. Cure said she is happy to work with me as a director. That i was willing to put into effort for the production. And the whole class was resonating with what Cure said that "this is going to be Suning's first written and directed film in AFDA!" Everybody applauded, I was so touched, I cant describe the emotion i felt at that time. I think I received a lot of sympathy at that time from everyone. Maybe "sympathy" is not the word, but i didn't know what everyone else was thinking, maybe they are keen to watch my film? After two years of absence? They definitely want to see a film that is written and directed by Suning Chen. I had a good working relationship with Cure. It feels so good to be backed up by someone since a long time ago.
I hope the rest of the group meeting went well. It's entertaining to see everyone yelling at each other but the situation was under control. The meeting wasn't as messy as everyone thought it would be. I was surprised by the turn out. Looks like my effort to gather everyone didn't get unnoticed.
Looks like every member took this seriously. A lot of responsibility involved. Now you see why in every parliament in the world those politicians need to yell and scream at each other. The beauty of democracy. Its hard. I know. People have different egos and everyone can only think of the best interest for themselves. I enjoyed the meeting. The Uber driver was pretty dope. He is positive and lovely. Talks a lot. Quite amusing. He loves China so much. I guess I ll ask him for a ride next time. He is Rashid. And the final beautiful thing is, it seems my relationship with Yolandi is healing. Guess i learned to work with her. Its sad. i just learnt today, that she doesn't have any children and i think she is alone and she got stabbed by someone and didn't have the money to see a doctor. I have sympathy for her. No one can justify life by linking their happiest moments into a rosary. In particular, I cannot.
It has never been this clear before, the realization struck me on July 26, 2017, almost one and a half years to go: my sole purpose of finishing my three-year study here in AFDA is to complete that Starseeker movie.
I have no idea how I would express my condolences to Chester Bennington's death.
It all came very sudden.
It was unbelievable. Yes, truly unbelievable. "Unbelievable" is right now the only word I could use to do it. A month ago he was performing One More Light on stage and now he's dead.
If I was his close relative I would be absolutely devastated by disbelief.
Yes, disbelief. It is not like any other kind of death where... people have a reason to die, him, he has no reason to die. Just like my symptom, when it happens, its a disbelief.
I guess its a disbelief for all his fans around the world right now.
He died on 9am July 20, 2017. He hanged himself. Unbelievable. Just imagine that scene. It was a Thursday, it was yesterday, while I was practicing for my driver's license. I guess in less than 20 hours ago.
Growing with Linkin Park's song. It was all too sudden. Linkin Park is Linkin Park because of Chester's scream. Without it, I wonder how they would go from here.
I said "I am your guardian angel" to Melissa today.
I was so excited of him being excited about the Starseeker Universe.
This is the second most exciting response from an individual since Dylan's.
I starred his response to my whatsapp for future reference.
Every second I was listening to his comment I was so excited just to receive this kind of praise from someone about my creative work. Someone truly resonates with this universe. This is one most important part of my life.
Ha, Suning! How'd you even think about this stuff?!