Sunday, June 24, 2018

I am 30 now.

So I just had my 30th birthday. Alone. By myself. Again. Typical.

But this time I don't feel that lonely anymore.

Maybe something in me has changed.

I just changed my 8-year-old Facebook profile picture. That was epic!! But even that, still no one notices it. I guess whatever I do from now on no one would notice me about anything.

There is not much to say. Really. Today is also quite normal. I write. I text. I watch. I masturbate. I sleep. And I wait.

I've been waiting all my life. And I've been searching all my life as well.

Dylan was right. I have this conflicting thing in me: I worry about what other people would think of me but I also want to do things my own way.

What a conundrum.

Now the most important thing: I thought I would achieve enlightenment when I reach thirty just like Buddha did.

But I didn't.

You didn't put into any hard work you lazy bastard!!

I guess I didn't have to care about these thoughts anymore.

I am me.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Tomorrow is my 30th Birthday

Tomorrow will be my thirtieth birthday.

God.... 30... what have I learned for the past 30 years?

I guess I am pretty proud of my past 30 years. It's just I don't "think" I am proud of.

It's the problem of mind and heart, isn't it?!

I've been playing various roles for the past 30 years: victim, narcissist, egotistical bastard, celebrity, philanthropist, evil-doer, an innocent youth, sentimentalist, romantic... and most essential of all, a Starseeker.

The moment I drop this title "Starseeker" will be the moment I find the truth.

But I can't right now.

It is believed that Buddha achieved enlightenment at the age of 30. 

I, for Christ's sake, are far from it, and may never will be, in this life 😆.

I can't drop the title "Starseeker" right now. I just can't. It has some use.

According to the Journey, I was supposed to go back to NZ two years after I leave. But right now, it has been 8 years and what?!

I am nothing. 

Oh, yes! And I don't have a girlfriend.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

I feel...

I feel I am making progress...

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday, and everything, I started to let go pretty well.

Although being alone doesn't bother me, although I have always been alone... it would be nice to have a friend at the end of the world.

Saturday, June 16, 2018

The Experimental Festival - 7 Years 5 Months and 16 Days into the Self Discovery Journey

This is it. I can probably die now.

If I go back to China now, it is fully permissible now.

My major work in South Africa is done.

The Garden was very well received by the audience.

No more stressful work till the end of the year now. I am happy now.

I have bought myself sometime for the Starseeker Universe. The schedule again has been pushed forward.

This will do for now.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Wesley's Words

The feedback from Wesley on Arthur and Mingi was quite positive.

He said I am very good at creating mood and atmosphere. He said I have OCD everyday that forces me to think in my head all the time, and writing for film is probably the only way through which I can "feel".

This is good.

And I got my watch back today!

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

No stressful study nights anymore.

Wow, this is so good. I just discovered for the rest of this term there will be no more stressful study nights. Making me less anxious. Actually a lot less anxious. 😀

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

This Fucking Mental Masturbation!

This fucking mental masturbation!! I am so sick of myself!!

I was supposed to be happy today because Mr. Wilby praised me for my film.

Yes i was happy for like, 20 mins. Then a little incident, which is fine, then after the class, it all go down hill because i couldn't finish my debate with Mr. Wilby as well as the class on how to arrange this Thursday assignment due date thing.

Then this fucking afternoon i felt so bad, and i lied in bed for like 40 mins to mentally masturbate over what the cause was.

My worst fear always come true. Cant be sustained.

These guys fucking didnt act themselves!! (Dylan, Liyema, MyMan, Mbu). I was expecting them to discuss about this but they were staring at their computer and doing fucking group docs (which was fucking due this morning!), which made me feel like i was the only one pathetically and needy to talk about Thursday assignment with Mr. Wilby.

Oh yeah, then I got jealous of Liyema's film because his film was also praised.

I was so fucking narcissistic about myself!!

So I had to come back home and mentally masturbate the same scenario over and over again. (Damn I feel exhausted and dizzy). Trying to figure out why I felt this way...

Then I listened to Awaking Hearts... which is therapeutic..but only after a successful mental masturbation is conducted.

And that Fishaway shop assistant wasnt helpful.

Damn when is Nicole gonna contact me?...